Definitely the Wrong Door

I have been gearing myself up all day so far to write this memory.  It's a past experience that hopefully noone else will ever have to encounter and it's part of my story so here goes... I was living with a guy I met on the street in his sisters cockroach(totally) infested basement. For some reason he had taken a shine to me and I left my drug dealer boyfriend ffrom the other side of Seven Mile in Detroit and it seemed like an eternity away. As an addict I was comfotable living in one block surrounding so I was aware and could keep a better eye on my saftey. This territory was new to me even tho it was only a couple of streets over.  I went out to hustle for the day and a couple of middleman dealers saw me on the street and asked if I was straight. Itold them I hadn't made any money yet that day. One of them said when You do knock on the door on the corner and say C sent you.  So off I went to sell my soul and body consecutively for my next high.  After a couple hours I had  collected enough for a reasonable high and decided to take a break. I saw the houses on the corner but I never remember seeing the middle men at either one of them.  So I went to the house a couple doors down near the corner. As I approached the door I heard several playing Xbox or PS2 or some type of video game and laughing and seemed like they were drinking and having a good time. I knocked. I heard who 's that? I replied MyName, and C sent me he told me stop by. I heard all kinds of rushing around in house and suddenly I was swurrounded on the porch by at 5 men and one of them had a gun pointed directly at the side of head. I explained what was going on and cowered they told me never to knock on this door again.  It was the main dealers house and although I saw them several times direct cars away from the house to conduct business in my wanting to get high so bad I made another really bad decision.One that could of cost me my life. Thjey told me to leave and I walk/ran away. One of the other middlemen ran aftet me and asked me what I was looking for. I told him are you crazy they almost killed me I'll go else where. He persisted in asking me and I told hoim I was just looking for a twenty. He said wait here and took mymoney and shortly remturned with less great quality dope.  I went to my friends coackroach infested basement and smoked and didn't relate this story to anyone until now.  It was definitely the wrong door, but in addiction I made so many bad decisions. Besides the decisions i made to get high were the bad choices I made in the lifestyle and how I went about supporting habit and getting high.  It's only through my Higher Power's grace and mercy I am here to relate this story.  Today I am granted the benefit of a clear mind, it's not to say I don't always make good choices but I don't make dumb choices anymore.

Today is Here and I am Not Excited

Well, It's Thanksgiving morning and I just barely got my house in order kind of.  I am not really looking forward to my fathers visit cuz I know he's only coming over out of obligation not because he really wants to. This also means I have to get dressed up and I am most comfortable in a pair of sweasts and a t-shirt occassionally jeans when I go outside but that just wont do today. Then there's all the hype about shopping tomorrow and I am flat broke. I live on Social Security Disability and that meaans I get paid on the 3rd of the month so by now I am waiting for the next month to roll around.I'm lucky if I have enough cigarettes to get me thru the end of the month. At least, I didn't promise anyone I was going to cook anything big today, just my famous green bean casserole. Quick, easy and yummy. Tasia will probably have a field day with all the company, she will bark to sound like she's tough and then go cower behind the couch. The only person she allows to touch her is me.  I guess I am sort of special.Anyway, this will be my dad's first trip inside my house and I've livedhere for almost 3 months now. He can see for himself how well I am maintaining.I still feel the need to prove myself to him, since I've let him down so many times. Yet, he's let me down my entire life.  And I am supposed to automatically forgive and forget yet AI trouble with the forget part. Self-preservation tells me to remember when I have been treated wrong or bad.Especially after having been hustled so many times on the streets you remember so the same hustlle doesn't happen again.  I remember being able to shop Black Friday and put things in layaway for my family to have a super xmas. This year people will be lucky to receive one present from me , if they receive anything at all. Being poverty level sucks.I wish I could join in the madness of shopping tomorrow, yet I have to stay humbel and grateful for what I do have. I need to take sure I 'm taken care of first, cause noone else is gonna take care of me.  I've exhausted all options in that area.I know I'm whining and complaining but I can't really express these feelings to anyone else and I need to let them out so here I type.  Thanksgiving is a grateful day and I do have much to be grateful for but I want more. Is that so awful? Isn't that human nature?

Holidays Still aren't all They're Cracked up to be-Especially if your a Turkey

Well, here my outlok on this years Thankgiving.I'm sober and not everyone elswe is. I will have to deal with my fathers alcoholism but this is what I do. I limit the amount of time I spend with him and I spend time with him early in the day before he's really crocked.  I love my dfad I just don't love his drinking, just like I'm his daughter but he hates the fact I was a crack adddict and a whore.  He actually came and found me wowrking the street one day in early fall I don't remember what year. He was with hiss wife and they thought they were going to be able to save myself from me .  The problem was I wasn't done getting high yet.  I saw the Trailblazer they wer in and turned around and started walking in the other direction they saw me and his wife got out to talk to me. they said come home stop doing this and told them it wouldn't ber the effort cuz I would just leave again I still wanted to get high I wasn't done with my run. So they got in their truck and started to leave but of course a cop car appeared out of nowhere and they flagged it down.  As I was on foot and homeless I didn't have much chance of escape. The cop pulled over and gave me the usual questions but added your family is right there. I had to empty my pockets and my dad was amazed he saw his first crack pipe and was curious he had never seen one before and asked the cop tot look at it. It was a very good one but it served its purpose I jerry-rigged it out of a pen cuz I kept gettin tired of having to give others my crack to use their pipe.  Anyway the cop let me go but he took back to a threee quarter house.  I had to promise to stay.  I went to treatment again the next day.Anyway back to theholidays, I have a home and a loving dpuppy. My bills are paid and I have clean clothes and food in the refrigerator. Hell, I have a refrigerator. I remember having a midnight yard sale where the washing machine, refrigerator, and stove all left and all I got was crumbs.So I ended up having to go hoe that night in order toget the high I was really looking for.This year I am not making a big production out of thanksgiving I am just being grateful.  I don't really like turkey anyway, it's too dry.  But this year I can be warm and comfortable I can take a nap without having to keep one eye open for my safety I don't even have to carry my knife however on occassion when I wiill be out late at late and alone I do. It's saved my life before, but this one is nicer and bigger.I haven't been around for the holidays for so long that people forget that I am avaoilable now.  My mom still doesn't want anything to do with me. I need to make sure I don't wallow in self-pity too much on this subject or picking up might become an option.  I have a choice but sometimes my mind likes to trick into thinking I'm smarter than last time after look at all you learned last time.  However that's my disease waiting to put me into it's fatal aspect.I can call my daughter, but I can't see her and my calls are screened. but I can tell her I love her and wish her a happy thanksgiving and let her know I'm thinking of her and let her know I'm there for her. She's 14 and will need the comfort of a mothers love soon. high school, boys etc. Hell, i'm turning 39 monday and I still miss the comfort of my mothers love.Sometimes there are things only our mommies can help make us feel better.Anyway my dad is stopping over early for a couple hours and then one of my sponsees might stop over later. AI actually have a comfortable place that is mine where people know where I am and canvisit. What a change.I can only imagine where I'll be in 5 years from now if I continue to do the right things.  My Higher Power lets me know I have a choice because I remember when I didn't have one, and My Higher Power let's me know the unimaginable is possible with effort.  I will be content this year to hang out with my puppy in my home, but my emotions will still be mixed.  Because I was a turkey for so long, my goose is cooked when thanksgiving comes around. I need to look at it as just another day.  Another sober day.  Emotions I have run from for so long will crop up and I need to feel them but I need to deal with them in bite-size pieces. Otherwise I will become so overwhelmed I'll either use or end up in a mental institution again.I wish all my reader a grateful Thanksgiving remember the small things we have now that we didn't have a year ago. Progress takes time and my Higher Power learned not to give me everything back again early, I now have to be patient and put more effort into regaining my material possessions. I appreciate them more that way.  Be careful, especially with open drinks, not all people can be trusted and some will trick you and put things in your drink to get you started again.And most importantly, Love Yourself. For who you are today, not for the hell you went thru to get here but that thru grace and mercy you are here. You are a survivor like me. There's a purpose and meaning for your life that's why we didnt die in the madness.

A Pet Can Be An Addict's Reason for Staying Aware

I know when I first entered recovery I wasn't ready for a pet, although I wanted one desperately.  I did get the proverbial plant first, and it is still alive along with another one.  Then I took at a stab at tropical fish and though some of them died on oand off it taught me the responsibility again of a pet although they did not need to be tended to everyday.  Currently I have a 6 month old chihuahua, named Tasia.  I got her in August so I was 15 months clean.  She can still be a handle sometimes but the joy she gives me compensates for all the other things.  The days I don't feel like doing anything she keeps me active.  First thing, when I wake up I get her fresh food and water. I trained her on peepads since we live in Michigan and she was real particular about getting her paws wet when we went outside so I don't need to take her out everyday, but I need to ensure she gets her exercise. She does running through the house and I supplement it by playing fetch with her everyday besides giving her exercise it makes our bond stronger.  She understands I love her and want to spend time with her.  She has many outfits and yes I have a carrying purse for her. She goes many places with me except church.  The grocery store, the gas station and to NA meetings. She knows to sit quietly in my lap and just listen she never crosstalks or anything lol.  I have two children I lost custody before I started myheavy drug use.  I believe my heavy using was due partially to the loss of my children.  They used my medical condition against me in court and although it wass illegal I had a crappy lawyer.  Anyway, many people want to get the kids back immediately when they enter recovery.  I think it is important not to push the envelope too fast in this area.  Make sure you aren't going to be a 90 day wonder and get the kids back and relapse at 4 months because you got your life back and you decieve yourself into thinking you can do just one.  It didn't work before, so why should it now? Ketting the children back may be what you want, but is it fair to the children?  We've already put them thru so much.  My children don't know about my drug abuse they live with their dads and know I was sick.  Again, my mental illness played out.  But currently, I have started talking to my daughter on the phone, yet I waited until I was clean for a year this time before I started our relationship again because I was yo-yoing in and out of her life and it confused her.  My son doesn't really remember me so I am not forcing myself upon him and if he wants to talk to me in the future he has ways of getting ahold of me.  I lost custody when he was 3 and he is now almost 11.  My daughter is 14.Taking care of my dog is a large enough duty for me right now. I am still learning how to live a new way of life.  I wouldn't want to uproot my daughter from a family that took responsible care of her while I was walking barefoot homeless in the rain in the ghetto of Detroit trying to get one more so I would be able to go somewhere to get warm.A pet is a good idea. Getting your kids back is a great idea. Just don't rush things. Be fair to everyone involved, forget about your self-centered instant gratification and be responsible. Just a thought to chew on

The Silent Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil

Well, what do you know? I did not even mention how I was feeling about the cigarettes and he brought a whole pack.  It is part of my nature to always expect the worst because I got hustled so many times on the street.  It is nice when things turn out well when you do not expect them to.  Doing Laundry -YUCK:( at dad's right now but don't have to worry about him too much yet cuz he's just waking up, his wife let me in, and it takes him about a half hour to forty five minutes to wake up.  I am having a birthday party/slumber party on Saturday night since Monday is my bellybutton bday.I am expecting between 5-9 recovering women at my house for a night of fun and bonding.  Looking forward to it I haven't had a real birthday party ina about ten years or so because I was too busy trying to get one more.  I used to say I would celebrate my birthday for a birthweek so AI could extend the rteason for using and using frequent excessive amounts.  Today I will be content with friends cake ice cream spaghetti movies and fun in my home.

Being Ethical Sucks Sometimes

I am sitting in my two bedroom house, all my bills are currently paid up to date and I live with a 6 month old chihuahua Tasia, who is my angel.But I am out of cigarettes, when i was using this wasnt a major problem because at this time of day men are on their way to work, and I could pick up a quick trick or two and have a pack of cigarettes with money to spare.  Although I didn't have the house, or the dog, or the paid bills , I had cigarettes.  I smoke about 1 1/2-2 packs a day. Its not because i want to be cool or "fit-in", it's not because of my nerve condition, I have medication for that, it's because I enjoy it.  I lent out some money the other day and now That person is going with while I'm going without. I won't make that mistake again.  I have observed him borrow money from other people in the past and he always paid them in a timely manner but I am the one he chooses to screw and make wait.  Probably bevcause we used to date, and being flighty I forgot how much he tried to control my life.  At times, he still does. I mean he doesn't offer suggestions he says you need to . . . and this is starting to get really frustrating it's part of the reason I moved out his apartment and got my own house. It's odd I always think I'm gonna write about a specific subject and then I end up way over in Cairo.  That's the capital of Egypt for those who don't know. My mind is filled with tons of useless information. I have a thing with numbers I wish I could forget many of them But I memorize numbers all the time and can't forget them. I still know my phone number from when I was 5 years old, what am I gonna do with that useless tidbit, I wish I had a backspace button for that part of my brain to make room for all the shit I forget due to my ADD. I was diagnosed with that as an adult.  I just lose focus a lot and start many projects because I get sidetracked but then nothing ever actually gets completed. So anyway, my ex is gonna bring over a couple cigarettes when he drops his nephew off to school this morning but see here lays the problem, why should he have a whole pack of cigarettes that he bought with the money he borrowed from me and I should just get a couple cuz he doesn't approve of the way I spent the rest of my money, but Big Deal, it was MY Money, if I wanted to buy some scratch-off lottery tickets, I'm allowed.  If I want to buy several packs of cigarettes because I know what a big smoker I am thats my business how fast I smoke them.  He has a tendency to always esclaim What you're out of cigarettes didn't you just buy a pack?  So what if I did? It's my body their doin the damage to and my money. He really does still try to control my life, but I rely on him for transporatation a lot even though he gives me a reduced rate for shuttling me around I think I might start taking the bus.  It would be cheaper and less of a headache but I will still keep him on as my maid.  I suffer from a pinched nerve, degenertive, disc, and a herniated disc all in the middle section of my spine so I can't sweep, mop, vaccum, or wash my shower walls, and all the bending to clean in the bathroom ends up taing a toll on me..  So I hire him to once a week do all these chores for me.  That I am getting a good deal at Ten dollars a cleaning.  The pain I would suffer doing those tasks is removed so it's worth every penny to me.

A Little About What it's ALL About

Hello Anonymous Public,


I am a middle aged woman who was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 17.  On November 6, 2010, I was clean from all drugs and alcohol for 18 months.  Crack was my drug of choice.  Here is where I will be sharing with you my innermost thoughts, and experiences.  I will be sharing actual true events that have happened in my life, and as they say Life is stranger than fiction(or something like that).  I will also be letting you know what I am currently experiencing I will probably be drawing some references and relations for myself but I would like to have you as my clue team.  I need people to post comments and feedback concerning what I'm doing and if they see any patterns in what is going on in my life.  Other addicts are welcome and if you subscribe to my blog please let me know.Tomorrow, well today actually because I won't be going back to bed, is going to be interesting. My counselor, who comes to my house, I am permanently disabled and home bound as I have no transportation, so I am allowed this convenience, will be coming today.  I am glad I have her and she is a relatively new counselor for me so I haven't screwed up too much.  Sometimes, without reason I lie to the counselors just because I know what they want to hear or i just feel like messing with them. So far, with her I've been pretty honest. I know I shouldn't lie to them and I try not to but I've been dealing with people trying to figure out my brain for over 20 years at least this one doesn't try  to imagine to much, she lets me make my own conclusions.  Then I have to make the trip to visit my dad. That's a whole other story.  We just started talking again about 5 years ago.  Before that I stopped talking to him when I was 17, due to his alcoholism and the way it made him behave.  he is still an active alcoholic, but my mother quit speaking to me about 7 years ago and I felt I no longer had any family so being the spoiled brat i rekindled my relationship with my dad so I wouldn't feel alone.  I lived about 3 hours away from him and was in an abusive relationship so he paid to get me moved down to his house.  He is fairly well-off and there was plenty of room for me although one of my half-brothers who was 11 at the time was also living there.  He is from my dads third marriage, he's currently on his fourth. Anyway I digress, It was too close to Detroit for me, and I found crack to readily available close by and became a daily user who lost everything a couple times as I used to be labeled a chronic relapser.  Some people are probably still thinking I will fall again but believe me I don't wish for that lifestyle anymore.I always end up homeless and having to start all over.  The company of people I keep when I use is horrendous, they're scurvy.More to follow soon.