Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Daughter Sees Me as #1 Mom

In the previous post, I wrote and told you for Christmas I received a silver necklace in the mail.  Attached to the necklace was a silver heart and lettering saying #1 Mom with a red rose inside in the heart with the lettering.
I need to say more about this.  My daughter, Taylor Jean, has Aspbergers Syndrome, which is a slight form of autism.  She functions in every day living  and made the JV Cheerleading Squad.  Her favorite subjects are French and Art and she wants to be a Fashion Designer when she grows up.  However, the AS makes it so she doesn't function socially at the level she should.  Thankfully her school has a class for this and it seems to help with her social skills.
As soon as I went to my dads house, I had my step mom put the necklace on for me and I haven't taken it off since and don't plan on it.  However when it first came in the mail and I read the words #1 Mom I thought how undeserving I was I was of this precious gift.
My Daughter is now 14 and I missed the years of her life from 7 to 13 and 1/2. With the occasional pop in and pop out until I matured enough to know I had to stay clean for a year before coming back into her life.  I will never get those years back, but more importantly when my daughter needed her mommy during those years I wasn't there.
Sometimes she still calls me mommy, because of her AS but also because there were so many years when she needed to say mommy and couldn't.  Of my past mistakes, what I did to my children is my biggest regret.  I had them stay with stable family; instead of dragging them through my addiction, but I wasn't there for them.
My son who was 3 or 4 when I left doesn't even remember me.  So I don't push him to talk to me or write.  I figure when he wants to he will, if he wants to.
I remember the years before my addiction:  a single mom working two jobs, at times, paying a mortgage, with two cars, and going to school full-time for my Masters degree(which I did not finish).  Yet however stressful that life might seem I remember laughing and playing with my kids in the yard and their rooms and the living room.  I remember having them crawl into my bed in the morning to watch tv with me when I just couldn't quite get up yet.  I remember making ice cream sundaes and dinners in the oven.  I remember reading to them everyday before we left the house and every night before they went to bed.  I read to them before they were even born.  Back then I was #1 mom material.
I am trying my best to be the best mom I can from 10 hours away and after all the lost time, but I wasn't sure I deserved to be called a #1 mom yet.  I haven't had enough time to prove myself again to my daughter, however my daughter is quick to forgive and quick to love.
She thinks I would like this necklace and she bought it for me.  I wear it with pride and know that although I'm still proving it to myself; my daughter already accepts me as the #1 mom.  She has a step mom in her life and I know her I met her as a friend before my ex married her and she is a kind woman.  But in my daughters eyes I am #1.

What's Been Goin On?

To all my concerned readers, thank you for your kind words, but no I have not relapsed.  I just have been doing things where I couldn't get to a computer.  I am now house sitting.  The dogs and the cat and I are enjoying each other.  Tasia my chihuahua still thinks she runs things even at someone else's home.  She instigates the much bigger springer spaniel type dog to chase her.  The cat mostly avoids the dogs. 
I am right next door to my dads and have been over to visit once briefly since house sitting.  Before that he took the family out for Christmas dinner and then Christmas day I stopped by for a couple of hours.
I have found a new home group.  I cried the last time attended my old home group but I was there for a season and now its time for someone else to take over that group.  I do have a new home group but won't be attending until I'm, done house sitting as I have no transportation and am now in a different city.
I was able to buy my daughter a Christmas gift this year.  A nice one too. A telescope.  She wasn't expecting it and she was very happy with my choice for her.  She mailed me a necklace of silver with a heart pendant that says #1 Mom and has a red rose on it.  I couldn't believe it!! She still thinks of me as a #1 mom, after all the time we've been apart and heartache I'm sure I put her through.  I am being consistent with calling her at least once every two weeks, some times more often.
So here is the quick update and you can look for a new substantial post soon.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Others Can Still Jar Me

The NA book says relapse is not a requirement.  It also says a relapse may be the jarring experience that brings about a more vigorous application of the program.  In case you haven't guessed already someone I know pretty well has relapsed.  I've been in relationships before where the person who relapsed opened the door for me to follow suit, this is not the case here. I am not in a relationship with this person.  I am not even saying if it is a man or a woman.

However, it reminds me how close my disease is to me. If I make one bad choice it may lead me down the road to relapse.  I like to think I have enough tools in tool belt (the basic text and other literature, my sponsor, a network of friends who aren't using, my Higher Power, meetings, open talks, sponsee{yes sponsorship is a two way street, sometimes I may need them for help})so that I am more separated than that but it could happen.  It happens to people with double digit clean time every day if they are not living the program.  The NA book also says we have never seen anyone who lives the NA program relapse on page 79.  This causes some confusion because many times I hear people say they are working their program. They have two things wrong. first you need to live the program by applying the steps and spiritual principles in your life, attending meeting, talking to your sponsor and working the steps, doing service work, having and trusting your Higher Power, and giving back what was so freely given to you.  The other thing is it's the NA program-not their program.  By working their program they are allowed to pick and chose which of the above mentioned duties they do, instead of living them all.

This person has been a chronic relapser and almost had a year clean and made a wrong choice and has to start all over again.  I remember starting all over again because I've done it so many times.  Then the shame and guilt and embarrassment made me not want to go to a meeting and tell everyone I had screwed up again.  However, for the most part people were encouraging to me and told me they were glad I made it back and to turn off the solar powered ass kicking machine.  There are always one or two people who are not understanding yet they are the ones who are working their program not living the NA program. 
The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using.  So no one can tell you if you are a member or not that's between you and your Higher Power.

And our primary purpose is to help the still suffering addict.  People were there for me when when I screwed up and I plan on welcoming this individual back into the fellowship with open arms.Through the program I have learned the meanings of compassion and empathy.

This persons set back reminds me I am still an addict and I am not cured even though I have sponsees and hold together a home group and have a service position as a GSR, and have a sponsor and apply the steps in my life, I am still an addict and I could have to start all over again if I make a bad decision.
I have noticed most of my relapses work in a backwards order first I lose my spiritual well being and then my emotional well being and then the next thing I do is physically pick up.  My Higher Power plays a large part in my choice not to pick up today because my Higher Power is always with me and watching me, even when no one else is.

My prayers go out to this person because I know if I could learn to live the NA program this person can learn to live the NA program also.When I see this person at a meeting I will be one of the first people to give them a hug and say welcome back, I'm glad you were able to make it back.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Recipe Because of Recovery.

I don't know why I was uncomfortable the last couple of days, but today I have a great perspective on my life.  I am sitting my warm house and the smell of oregano and garlic is filling all the rooms.  I made homemade spaghetti and meatballs.  As I was cooking, I realized, I had all the ingredients I needed for a good meal and I have all the ingredients I need for a successful life.
Take 1 cup of a puppy's love and half a cup of doggie kisses, blend with 2 cups of a warm place to stay and 1/2 a cup of phone calls from my daughter.  Mix together and let simmer for 20 minutes.  Then add 1 visit to a true friends house for a fun conversation and 1 visit to my dads house for family love and 3 cups of a Higher Powers love and understanding, and combine the 2 mixtures.  Add a dash of humility and a generous sprinkle of gratitude and then bake at 300 degrees in an oven(that you own, in your home, that's working because the electricity bill has been paid), and bake for 1 hour, in which time, take the time, to soak feet and relax(because I can, I have the ability to relax just because, and do not have to be hustling).  When the cake comes out of the oven there is no need to frost it, because everything I needed and truly wanted is already mixed together in the cake.  Take a knife and slice a sweet piece of recovery.
Of course there is more to recovery, I need the support of NA meetings, my therapist, and a network of friends who aren't using however these are all people I can invite to enjoy my cake today.
I am in a good space and hope all my readers are too, if you aren't remember to reach out to someone else and call on your High Power to help you through.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Can I Be Comfortable Without the Chaos?

I am taking a break from reliving past experiences today and looking at my present situation.  Everything should be in order and I should be happy and content right?  Well the fact of the matter is I am completely bored. 
I remember when I first entered recovery and I constantly had to be on the go.  I couldn't sit still for two minutes at a time.  In order to break myself of this, I chose one day a week where I would not allow myself to leave the house, not even to go the store.  This helped me learned to be comfortable with just being me and learning to sit still even if it was just one day a week.
Now, I am in a situation where I rarely leave the house.  I don't have many pressing matters that can't be handled from home and my lack of transportation contributes to this. 
Here's the heart of the matter:  My bills are paid, I have a warm place to stay with electricity, running water(I am extremely grateful for this), food in  my refrigerator, heat and a wonderful puppy to keep me company.  I no longer have to hustle everyday in order to enjoy just one of these benefits.  I no longer have to worry about being taken advantage of by people who I thought were my friends.  Don't get me wrong I don't miss the lifestyle of an active drug addict.  It's just that this new life is foreign and slightly uncomfortable for me.
As I was watching TV I saw a beer bottle that was distinctly a Grolsch beer bottle and remembered saving the tops to use them for roach holders.  It didn't make me feel like using as it might have a year ago but the memories remain.  I still drink sugar water when I run out money and have no juice or pop left in the house and that in itself brings back memories too.
If you were never an addict and are reading this you might think I am either crazy or ungrateful.  Crazy? maybe at least my doctors tell me so but I am on my medications so my craziness is not the issue. Ungrateful?  Definitely not.  I give thanks and praise every day to my Higher Power for allowing the opportunity of choice.  I remember when I did not have a choice and am so grateful today that I do have a choice and with my Higher Powers help I usually make the right choices.
The problem still exists though that I am bored.I have all the movie channels and have either already seen the movies I want to for this month or I don't want to see the others.  Tasia is a great companion but  she can't entertain me 24 hours a day.There was quite a bit of a snowstorm last night so walking anywhere is out of the question, along with the fact of my back problems prohibit me from walking too far anyway.  I play on the computer for awhile but there is no instant reply many times and I miss social interaction.
I used to be surrounded by people although they were mostly bad people for me I had some one to scheme with or get high with or complain with.
I do not want this to be seen as a pity pot posting because that is not my intention.  I think it is important to point out that adjusting to sober life is difficult.  Sure getting high was difficult, it was a job you never went home from or took a coffee or lunch break from, but new experiences need to be recognized for what they are.
I was the person who thrived on chaos and pressure and currently neither of these entities are in my life.I tell myself it's OK to lay down and take a nap, but then I feel like I've been asleep for many years and am just waking up; I don't want to miss anything.
Learning to be comfortable while being comfortable is proving to be quite a task for me right now.  I am sure other recovering addicts have gone through this same experience and as the book says this too will eventually pass.  Point is, I am ready for it to pass now.
So here I am taking things one day at a time, and re-learning how to live.  I am sure there are many non-addicts who would be envious of all the free time I have on my hands the problem is I am not sure what to do with it.  I read, but my ADD doesn't allow me to focus on one book for very long so I have several books that I am a various points in and when I pick one up I have to recall which story it is and what has already happened.  As I stated earlier I am getting pretty tired of TV and Tasia, my angel/puppy helps but is not the answer.  I have joined facebook, and twitter all trying to fill the void.
My sponsor told me to fill the void with spirituality.  I look to my Higher Power quite frequently but still have problems waiting for the answers.  It's not like I can talk and get an instant response with my Higher Power.  I read spiritual books but again my ADD interferes.
I feel as if I am living the life of a senior citizen and I am only 39.  My body puts me in the condition of a senior citizen many times because of the pain.  I have no job, as I am on disability for my bi-polar disorder that was diagnosed when I was 17, long before I started smoking crack.
Part of me misses the adventure and chaos and part of me says thank you to my Higher Power for not having to put up with adventure and chaos.  Basically, as it says in the first step I am lost and confused.  I feel different.
Learning to cope with a comfortable life does not seem to me like it should be such a huge obstacle.  Yet, everyday I feel like I am missing out on something.  Like there are adventures to be had and I am not invited.
I know I will get through this feeling but writing about it helps.  It makes me think I need more friends but then I think How do I go about doing that?  It's not like in elementary school when you could just walk up to someone and say "want to be my friend?" and they said "OK" and that was that.
Being semi-home bound(because of pain and lack of transportation) makes making new friends a difficult task.  I thought about trying to make friends with my new neighbors however no one lives in either house next to me and I'm not sure how far down the street etiquette allows you to go say "I am your neighbor and would like to be friends."
So the good thing is I am comfortable and I will learn eventually to be comfortable being comfortable.  I am just not in that spot right now.  That's why there are tomorrows however I am getting impatient.  I am grateful I have this medium to express my feeling and emotions and hope my posts help others too.
I checked the site stats the other day and this blog has reached Norway, Spain, Australia, Singapore, Rwanda, United Kingdom, Canada, Bangladesh, and many places in the United States.  This lets me know my message is getting out and I look to my readers as friends right now.  I have met some extremely kind and wonderful people here and this is a journey I wish to continue.I enjoy reading all your comments and try to respond to them all so please keep reading and keep commenting.  This is something that helps me to be comfortable.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Recalling Another Almost Death Experience

I met a girl in the hallway of an apartment building we were all squatting in.  She was stayin on the second floor and I was stayin on the third.  She'd been there longer. I'd only been around a couple of weeks.  She was lookin for someone to smoke some crack with and invited.  What addict turns down free crack, right? So I followed her to the apartment she was squatting in and smoked some with her and she seemed alright but the crack was gone so I went out to hustle.

Later on that night I ran into her and a trick of hers and her husband and they were all goin back to the part of the building they were staying at and they invited me.  She told her husband she met earlier and I was ok.  Everything went ok earlier, so I went along.  Well, things started to get crazy.  She wanted everyone to take their clothes off and wouldn't let anyone else smoke any of the crack.  Luckily, I wasn't dumb enough to take my clothes off before I got any crack and when her husband offered me a packed pipe she smacked it out of my mouth across the room saying " How you gonna offer her to smoke before me."  Remind you there were four of us in the room and she the only one who had gotten to smoke.  After about 20 minutes, I noticed she'd been drinking and then she got jealous.  She smashed the liquor bottle on the broken out out window so the neck was in her hand and the jagged part was being waved around wildly at everyone in the room, but especially me since I was the only other female in the room.

I don't remember how, my find still blocks out portions of this night, but I got out of the room.  I went up to the portion where I was staying with a friend cause she didn't know where my spot was.  After talking with my friend who told my about this building and was sharing this portion of the building of me, he'd been there about a year, he informed he how absolutely insane she was.

That same night I was jonsing so I went out to look for a trick or two to make some money.  Wouldn't you know it, the crazy lady's husband had had enough of her to and had gotten a HHR vehichle from his cousin.  He saw me as I was coming back into the parking lot after striking out on the hoe stroll.  He rolled down the window and said "Jump in, before she sees you."  He had crack earlier so I figured he had some again.

He drove me across town to a city park in the back.  It was about 11pm and dark and no one else was around and I was used to going to parks to trick for crack but not this one.  When we got out of the car we went to a picnic table and he packed a stem for me.  Then he said he wanted a blow job. 

This is where some parts are extremely clearly etched in memory and some are extremely erased from my memory so sorry if this recounting goes kinda fuzzy. 

He grabbed me by my neck and said " Do it right.  Don't play that hoe shit, and try to do it quick."  For about the next forty-five minutes I was told the following statements over and over.  "Were alone here no one would find you until the morning."  "I should snap your neck right now."as her would pull my hair forcing my head from side to side. I thought for sure tonight was the night I would finally die.  "Do it right."  "Quit playing those ho games, you're not gonna get this done quickly."  Eventually I knocked his crack over, which ended up being benzo anyway, so he forced me onto the ground and with his knees on my shoulders he got my pants down.

Then he grabbed my neck again and raped me.  Then He got me back into the car.  I thought it was over but it wasn't.  He made a call and said "Are you ready? I got one."  He told me he was taking me to his friends so they could rape me too and then he and his wife were going to beat the shit out of me and that they did this type of thing all the time.  He actually he referred to himself and his wife as Bonnie and Clyde.

So I thought fast, luckily it was benzo and not crack, so I wasn't totally stuck.  When he turned to pull out of the city park, in the middle of the turn I flung open the car door and jumped out.  I remember hearing him say "Don't do that."

I ran down a busy street in the opposite direction of the way the car was facing so he couldn't follow me and had no choice except to drive away.  Which he did. Fast.  I was running wildly down the middle of a busy road my arms waving back and forth over my head yelling "Please Help Me Please Help Me."

I think it was 4 or 5 cars that passed me before someone actually stopped.  It was a group of 3 yuppie boys goin to a club.  They were concerned and asked what I needed.  I told them I'd been raped and needed to go home.  They tried to talk me into goin to the hospital, they were all confused they didn't know what to do and I kept saying no just take me home.  I actually went to a different spot and told them that was my home.

After they drove off, I hitchhiked from near Detroit to Flint to see the only person I thought would understand.  A man I met in recovery and was in love with.  His mom didn't know what was going on and wanted me to take a shower before his daughter came down for breakfast.(Yeah, he still lived with his mom who has custody of his daughter, but that's another story.)

Anyway, since we were previously involved his mother knew my family and within a few hours she got a version of what happened by my simply saying "I was raped and needed to see C."  She drove me home to my dad who wanted nothing to do with me since I'd been back out on the streets for awhile, again.  However he did say I needed to file a police report.

I didn't want to go through that either but finally after an hour of coaxing which seemed liked days as I still wasn't high and that was the whole purpose of mission that started the night before, I allowed Miss Barbara to take me to the police station.

I tried to write a report as well as I could but I was forgetting to how to spell, I still hadn't slept, and I hadn't slept for a few days previously because I'd been smoking.  I had no home address or phone number and it took awhile and I went through the rape kit and everything.  When I was done, the officer called my dad to come pick me up.  He wouldn't come.  I can remember hearing the officer say"But she's your daughter." It didn't matter.

I ended up sleeping in the police station waiting room sitting in a chair with my head on a table. I woke up in the morning and realized no one was coming for me and I had nowhere to go.  I couldn't go back to where I was squatting because I had given a good description of the man and where to find him and I saw a xerox picture of him at one point during the night so I know the police had picked him up.

My feet were blistered and aching because when I was hitchhiking I ended up walking half the way.  I did not know what to do I was lost.  I sat on the sidewalk outside of the police station with my head on my knees trying to figure what and where to go and do next.  Then the owner of a three quarter house I had stayed at before showed up.

My dad had called her and told her where I was and she came and got me.  Again, I reentered a three quarter house.

I don't want to put a moral or some astounding truth to this story I just want to present the facts about this situation.  I need to realize the decisions I make when I use drugs put me in these types of situations and I need to address them in order to heal from them.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

So Much Over the Past Couple Days

I have a feeling my good ole friend MS. Bi-Polar for the Holidays is kicking in and I am rapid cycling.  One minute I have so much energy sleep seems like a foreign word and the next all I want to do is give myself a pity-party.  However, I have made it back to this blog and would like to recap the past few days.

I had my slumber party for recovering women Saturday night for my early bday celebration, at first I was dissappointed at the turn out and then my Higher Power said the people that need to be here are.  As I look back the most important person there was not me, it was a newcomer who celebrated her second 30 days on Monday.  She actually spent the night and is not a woman who gets along well with other women yet.  She was shown, we have fun without the use of drugs or alcohol at parties.  I spent the whole next day sleeping I am not as young as I used to be. Staying up late and watching movies and eating tons of food and sweets takes a toll on me these days.  I did make my Home Group Sunday night, but that's all I accomplished on Sunday.

It was a great meeting concerning the sixth step.  It was also a good place to have other people finish eating up my cake, because I found I was starting to like the cream cheese frosting too much and every time I went into the kitchen I was grabbing a piece.  Just because I turned 39 doesn't mean I need to put on 39 pounds.  It was red velvet cake too.  Having something different like that, it went fast at the meeting.

On Monday, my family threw me a celebration.  This was my actual bellybutton birthday day.  My parents hooked up steak dinner with all the fixings.  They spent a major portion of their day preparing for me.  For someone who still can never ask to spend the night, not even on the floor, no matter what is happening in my life, like I learned after one of my past rapes when I ended up having to spend the night at the police station becase they wouldn't pick me up.  These same people invited me into their household and spent time preparing a major meal in my honor and bought me new pajamas, a pretty sweater, and a warm, fuzzy, housecoat(this is the only thing I asked for).

Since the thanksgiving holiday and my birthday took up so much of my time, my tutoring students had 1 extra day of holiday break from me because I did not work on Monday, my birthday.  However, yesterday was a tutoring marathon helping evey student.  I started at 930 worked until 330 took a break til 6 then worked until 1000.  But this goes to show I am becoming more responsible and people can depend on me.  On this subject reminds of the really cool news that happened during a phone call at 830 yesterday.

My dad's neighbor, they live in a ritzy area, called me in the morning.  She has a dog, lady, a type of spaniel and a cat, Willow.  She has witnessed me through my ups and downs since she is my dads neighbor and she has seen how I feel about Tasia and animals in general.  She was almost deterrmined not to go on a family trip from Dec 26 to Jan 11 to Florida(we live in Michigan) Escaping this weather would be a blessing especially for Florida's weather.  Anyway, she called me and asked me if I would bring Tasia over and house and pet sit while she was away on her trip.

You could've knocked me over with a leftover birthday mylar balloon.  Someone is trusting me enough with all they hold dear while they will be out of the state.  Let's recap the same girl who lived homeless, was a prostitute, hustled on the streets daily and often sold things that weren't hers to begin with is being trusted with a family's mosted valued possession, their home and pets.  And the thing of it , when they come home, the tv and dvd player, and computer, and even the house will still belong to the rightful owners.  People are starting to trust me after 19 months of living the NA program and living my life accordingly.  This gives me hope and reassures me that all the effort I am putting into my recovery are definitely worth it.  I feel better about myself and some people are starting to the changes in my life.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Definitely the Wrong Door

I have been gearing myself up all day so far to write this memory.  It's a past experience that hopefully noone else will ever have to encounter and it's part of my story so here goes... I was living with a guy I met on the street in his sisters cockroach(totally) infested basement. For some reason he had taken a shine to me and I left my drug dealer boyfriend ffrom the other side of Seven Mile in Detroit and it seemed like an eternity away. As an addict I was comfotable living in one block surrounding so I was aware and could keep a better eye on my saftey. This territory was new to me even tho it was only a couple of streets over.  I went out to hustle for the day and a couple of middleman dealers saw me on the street and asked if I was straight. Itold them I hadn't made any money yet that day. One of them said when You do knock on the door on the corner and say C sent you.  So off I went to sell my soul and body consecutively for my next high.  After a couple hours I had  collected enough for a reasonable high and decided to take a break. I saw the houses on the corner but I never remember seeing the middle men at either one of them.  So I went to the house a couple doors down near the corner. As I approached the door I heard several playing Xbox or PS2 or some type of video game and laughing and seemed like they were drinking and having a good time. I knocked. I heard who 's that? I replied MyName, and C sent me he told me stop by. I heard all kinds of rushing around in house and suddenly I was swurrounded on the porch by at 5 men and one of them had a gun pointed directly at the side of head. I explained what was going on and cowered they told me never to knock on this door again.  It was the main dealers house and although I saw them several times direct cars away from the house to conduct business in my wanting to get high so bad I made another really bad decision.One that could of cost me my life. Thjey told me to leave and I walk/ran away. One of the other middlemen ran aftet me and asked me what I was looking for. I told him are you crazy they almost killed me I'll go else where. He persisted in asking me and I told hoim I was just looking for a twenty. He said wait here and took mymoney and shortly remturned with less great quality dope.  I went to my friends coackroach infested basement and smoked and didn't relate this story to anyone until now.  It was definitely the wrong door, but in addiction I made so many bad decisions. Besides the decisions i made to get high were the bad choices I made in the lifestyle and how I went about supporting habit and getting high.  It's only through my Higher Power's grace and mercy I am here to relate this story.  Today I am granted the benefit of a clear mind, it's not to say I don't always make good choices but I don't make dumb choices anymore.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Today is Here and I am Not Excited

Well, It's Thanksgiving morning and I just barely got my house in order kind of.  I am not really looking forward to my fathers visit cuz I know he's only coming over out of obligation not because he really wants to. This also means I have to get dressed up and I am most comfortable in a pair of sweasts and a t-shirt occassionally jeans when I go outside but that just wont do today. Then there's all the hype about shopping tomorrow and I am flat broke. I live on Social Security Disability and that meaans I get paid on the 3rd of the month so by now I am waiting for the next month to roll around.I'm lucky if I have enough cigarettes to get me thru the end of the month. At least, I didn't promise anyone I was going to cook anything big today, just my famous green bean casserole. Quick, easy and yummy. Tasia will probably have a field day with all the company, she will bark to sound like she's tough and then go cower behind the couch. The only person she allows to touch her is me.  I guess I am sort of special.Anyway, this will be my dad's first trip inside my house and I've livedhere for almost 3 months now. He can see for himself how well I am maintaining.I still feel the need to prove myself to him, since I've let him down so many times. Yet, he's let me down my entire life.  And I am supposed to automatically forgive and forget yet AI trouble with the forget part. Self-preservation tells me to remember when I have been treated wrong or bad.Especially after having been hustled so many times on the streets you remember so the same hustlle doesn't happen again.  I remember being able to shop Black Friday and put things in layaway for my family to have a super xmas. This year people will be lucky to receive one present from me , if they receive anything at all. Being poverty level sucks.I wish I could join in the madness of shopping tomorrow, yet I have to stay humbel and grateful for what I do have. I need to take sure I 'm taken care of first, cause noone else is gonna take care of me.  I've exhausted all options in that area.I know I'm whining and complaining but I can't really express these feelings to anyone else and I need to let them out so here I type.  Thanksgiving is a grateful day and I do have much to be grateful for but I want more. Is that so awful? Isn't that human nature?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Holidays Still aren't all They're Cracked up to be-Especially if your a Turkey

Well, here my outlok on this years Thankgiving.I'm sober and not everyone elswe is. I will have to deal with my fathers alcoholism but this is what I do. I limit the amount of time I spend with him and I spend time with him early in the day before he's really crocked.  I love my dfad I just don't love his drinking, just like I'm his daughter but he hates the fact I was a crack adddict and a whore.  He actually came and found me wowrking the street one day in early fall I don't remember what year. He was with hiss wife and they thought they were going to be able to save myself from me .  The problem was I wasn't done getting high yet.  I saw the Trailblazer they wer in and turned around and started walking in the other direction they saw me and his wife got out to talk to me. they said come home stop doing this and told them it wouldn't ber the effort cuz I would just leave again I still wanted to get high I wasn't done with my run. So they got in their truck and started to leave but of course a cop car appeared out of nowhere and they flagged it down.  As I was on foot and homeless I didn't have much chance of escape. The cop pulled over and gave me the usual questions but added your family is right there. I had to empty my pockets and my dad was amazed he saw his first crack pipe and was curious he had never seen one before and asked the cop tot look at it. It was a very good one but it served its purpose I jerry-rigged it out of a pen cuz I kept gettin tired of having to give others my crack to use their pipe.  Anyway the cop let me go but he took back to a threee quarter house.  I had to promise to stay.  I went to treatment again the next day.Anyway back to theholidays, I have a home and a loving dpuppy. My bills are paid and I have clean clothes and food in the refrigerator. Hell, I have a refrigerator. I remember having a midnight yard sale where the washing machine, refrigerator, and stove all left and all I got was crumbs.So I ended up having to go hoe that night in order toget the high I was really looking for.This year I am not making a big production out of thanksgiving I am just being grateful.  I don't really like turkey anyway, it's too dry.  But this year I can be warm and comfortable I can take a nap without having to keep one eye open for my safety I don't even have to carry my knife however on occassion when I wiill be out late at late and alone I do. It's saved my life before, but this one is nicer and bigger.I haven't been around for the holidays for so long that people forget that I am avaoilable now.  My mom still doesn't want anything to do with me. I need to make sure I don't wallow in self-pity too much on this subject or picking up might become an option.  I have a choice but sometimes my mind likes to trick into thinking I'm smarter than last time after look at all you learned last time.  However that's my disease waiting to put me into it's fatal aspect.I can call my daughter, but I can't see her and my calls are screened. but I can tell her I love her and wish her a happy thanksgiving and let her know I'm thinking of her and let her know I'm there for her. She's 14 and will need the comfort of a mothers love soon. high school, boys etc. Hell, i'm turning 39 monday and I still miss the comfort of my mothers love.Sometimes there are things only our mommies can help make us feel better.Anyway my dad is stopping over early for a couple hours and then one of my sponsees might stop over later. AI actually have a comfortable place that is mine where people know where I am and canvisit. What a change.I can only imagine where I'll be in 5 years from now if I continue to do the right things.  My Higher Power lets me know I have a choice because I remember when I didn't have one, and My Higher Power let's me know the unimaginable is possible with effort.  I will be content this year to hang out with my puppy in my home, but my emotions will still be mixed.  Because I was a turkey for so long, my goose is cooked when thanksgiving comes around. I need to look at it as just another day.  Another sober day.  Emotions I have run from for so long will crop up and I need to feel them but I need to deal with them in bite-size pieces. Otherwise I will become so overwhelmed I'll either use or end up in a mental institution again.I wish all my reader a grateful Thanksgiving remember the small things we have now that we didn't have a year ago. Progress takes time and my Higher Power learned not to give me everything back again early, I now have to be patient and put more effort into regaining my material possessions. I appreciate them more that way.  Be careful, especially with open drinks, not all people can be trusted and some will trick you and put things in your drink to get you started again.And most importantly, Love Yourself. For who you are today, not for the hell you went thru to get here but that thru grace and mercy you are here. You are a survivor like me. There's a purpose and meaning for your life that's why we didnt die in the madness.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Pet Can Be An Addict's Reason for Staying Aware

I know when I first entered recovery I wasn't ready for a pet, although I wanted one desperately.  I did get the proverbial plant first, and it is still alive along with another one.  Then I took at a stab at tropical fish and though some of them died on oand off it taught me the responsibility again of a pet although they did not need to be tended to everyday.  Currently I have a 6 month old chihuahua, named Tasia.  I got her in August so I was 15 months clean.  She can still be a handle sometimes but the joy she gives me compensates for all the other things.  The days I don't feel like doing anything she keeps me active.  First thing, when I wake up I get her fresh food and water. I trained her on peepads since we live in Michigan and she was real particular about getting her paws wet when we went outside so I don't need to take her out everyday, but I need to ensure she gets her exercise. She does running through the house and I supplement it by playing fetch with her everyday besides giving her exercise it makes our bond stronger.  She understands I love her and want to spend time with her.  She has many outfits and yes I have a carrying purse for her. She goes many places with me except church.  The grocery store, the gas station and to NA meetings. She knows to sit quietly in my lap and just listen she never crosstalks or anything lol.  I have two children I lost custody before I started myheavy drug use.  I believe my heavy using was due partially to the loss of my children.  They used my medical condition against me in court and although it wass illegal I had a crappy lawyer.  Anyway, many people want to get the kids back immediately when they enter recovery.  I think it is important not to push the envelope too fast in this area.  Make sure you aren't going to be a 90 day wonder and get the kids back and relapse at 4 months because you got your life back and you decieve yourself into thinking you can do just one.  It didn't work before, so why should it now? Ketting the children back may be what you want, but is it fair to the children?  We've already put them thru so much.  My children don't know about my drug abuse they live with their dads and know I was sick.  Again, my mental illness played out.  But currently, I have started talking to my daughter on the phone, yet I waited until I was clean for a year this time before I started our relationship again because I was yo-yoing in and out of her life and it confused her.  My son doesn't really remember me so I am not forcing myself upon him and if he wants to talk to me in the future he has ways of getting ahold of me.  I lost custody when he was 3 and he is now almost 11.  My daughter is 14.Taking care of my dog is a large enough duty for me right now. I am still learning how to live a new way of life.  I wouldn't want to uproot my daughter from a family that took responsible care of her while I was walking barefoot homeless in the rain in the ghetto of Detroit trying to get one more so I would be able to go somewhere to get warm.A pet is a good idea. Getting your kids back is a great idea. Just don't rush things. Be fair to everyone involved, forget about your self-centered instant gratification and be responsible. Just a thought to chew on

The Silent Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil

Well, what do you know? I did not even mention how I was feeling about the cigarettes and he brought a whole pack.  It is part of my nature to always expect the worst because I got hustled so many times on the street.  It is nice when things turn out well when you do not expect them to.  Doing Laundry -YUCK:( at dad's right now but don't have to worry about him too much yet cuz he's just waking up, his wife let me in, and it takes him about a half hour to forty five minutes to wake up.  I am having a birthday party/slumber party on Saturday night since Monday is my bellybutton bday.I am expecting between 5-9 recovering women at my house for a night of fun and bonding.  Looking forward to it I haven't had a real birthday party ina about ten years or so because I was too busy trying to get one more.  I used to say I would celebrate my birthday for a birthweek so AI could extend the rteason for using and using frequent excessive amounts.  Today I will be content with friends cake ice cream spaghetti movies and fun in my home.

Being Ethical Sucks Sometimes

I am sitting in my two bedroom house, all my bills are currently paid up to date and I live with a 6 month old chihuahua Tasia, who is my angel.But I am out of cigarettes, when i was using this wasnt a major problem because at this time of day men are on their way to work, and I could pick up a quick trick or two and have a pack of cigarettes with money to spare.  Although I didn't have the house, or the dog, or the paid bills , I had cigarettes.  I smoke about 1 1/2-2 packs a day. Its not because i want to be cool or "fit-in", it's not because of my nerve condition, I have medication for that, it's because I enjoy it.  I lent out some money the other day and now That person is going with while I'm going without. I won't make that mistake again.  I have observed him borrow money from other people in the past and he always paid them in a timely manner but I am the one he chooses to screw and make wait.  Probably bevcause we used to date, and being flighty I forgot how much he tried to control my life.  At times, he still does. I mean he doesn't offer suggestions he says you need to . . . and this is starting to get really frustrating it's part of the reason I moved out his apartment and got my own house. It's odd I always think I'm gonna write about a specific subject and then I end up way over in Cairo.  That's the capital of Egypt for those who don't know. My mind is filled with tons of useless information. I have a thing with numbers I wish I could forget many of them But I memorize numbers all the time and can't forget them. I still know my phone number from when I was 5 years old, what am I gonna do with that useless tidbit, I wish I had a backspace button for that part of my brain to make room for all the shit I forget due to my ADD. I was diagnosed with that as an adult.  I just lose focus a lot and start many projects because I get sidetracked but then nothing ever actually gets completed. So anyway, my ex is gonna bring over a couple cigarettes when he drops his nephew off to school this morning but see here lays the problem, why should he have a whole pack of cigarettes that he bought with the money he borrowed from me and I should just get a couple cuz he doesn't approve of the way I spent the rest of my money, but Big Deal, it was MY Money, if I wanted to buy some scratch-off lottery tickets, I'm allowed.  If I want to buy several packs of cigarettes because I know what a big smoker I am thats my business how fast I smoke them.  He has a tendency to always esclaim What you're out of cigarettes didn't you just buy a pack?  So what if I did? It's my body their doin the damage to and my money. He really does still try to control my life, but I rely on him for transporatation a lot even though he gives me a reduced rate for shuttling me around I think I might start taking the bus.  It would be cheaper and less of a headache but I will still keep him on as my maid.  I suffer from a pinched nerve, degenertive, disc, and a herniated disc all in the middle section of my spine so I can't sweep, mop, vaccum, or wash my shower walls, and all the bending to clean in the bathroom ends up taing a toll on me..  So I hire him to once a week do all these chores for me.  That I am getting a good deal at Ten dollars a cleaning.  The pain I would suffer doing those tasks is removed so it's worth every penny to me.

A Little About What it's ALL About

Hello Anonymous Public,

I am a middle aged woman who was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 17.  On November 6, 2010, I was clean from all drugs and alcohol for 18 months.  Crack was my drug of choice.  Here is where I will be sharing with you my innermost thoughts, and experiences.  I will be sharing actual true events that have happened in my life, and as they say Life is stranger than fiction(or something like that).  I will also be letting you know what I am currently experiencing I will probably be drawing some references and relations for myself but I would like to have you as my clue team.  I need people to post comments and feedback concerning what I'm doing and if they see any patterns in what is going on in my life.  Other addicts are welcome and if you subscribe to my blog please let me know.Tomorrow, well today actually because I won't be going back to bed, is going to be interesting. My counselor, who comes to my house, I am permanently disabled and home bound as I have no transportation, so I am allowed this convenience, will be coming today.  I am glad I have her and she is a relatively new counselor for me so I haven't screwed up too much.  Sometimes, without reason I lie to the counselors just because I know what they want to hear or i just feel like messing with them. So far, with her I've been pretty honest. I know I shouldn't lie to them and I try not to but I've been dealing with people trying to figure out my brain for over 20 years at least this one doesn't try  to imagine to much, she lets me make my own conclusions.  Then I have to make the trip to visit my dad. That's a whole other story.  We just started talking again about 5 years ago.  Before that I stopped talking to him when I was 17, due to his alcoholism and the way it made him behave.  he is still an active alcoholic, but my mother quit speaking to me about 7 years ago and I felt I no longer had any family so being the spoiled brat i rekindled my relationship with my dad so I wouldn't feel alone.  I lived about 3 hours away from him and was in an abusive relationship so he paid to get me moved down to his house.  He is fairly well-off and there was plenty of room for me although one of my half-brothers who was 11 at the time was also living there.  He is from my dads third marriage, he's currently on his fourth. Anyway I digress, It was too close to Detroit for me, and I found crack to readily available close by and became a daily user who lost everything a couple times as I used to be labeled a chronic relapser.  Some people are probably still thinking I will fall again but believe me I don't wish for that lifestyle anymore.I always end up homeless and having to start all over.  The company of people I keep when I use is horrendous, they're scurvy.More to follow soon.