Today is Here and I am Not Excited

Well, It's Thanksgiving morning and I just barely got my house in order kind of.  I am not really looking forward to my fathers visit cuz I know he's only coming over out of obligation not because he really wants to. This also means I have to get dressed up and I am most comfortable in a pair of sweasts and a t-shirt occassionally jeans when I go outside but that just wont do today. Then there's all the hype about shopping tomorrow and I am flat broke. I live on Social Security Disability and that meaans I get paid on the 3rd of the month so by now I am waiting for the next month to roll around.I'm lucky if I have enough cigarettes to get me thru the end of the month. At least, I didn't promise anyone I was going to cook anything big today, just my famous green bean casserole. Quick, easy and yummy. Tasia will probably have a field day with all the company, she will bark to sound like she's tough and then go cower behind the couch. The only person she allows to touch her is me.  I guess I am sort of special.Anyway, this will be my dad's first trip inside my house and I've livedhere for almost 3 months now. He can see for himself how well I am maintaining.I still feel the need to prove myself to him, since I've let him down so many times. Yet, he's let me down my entire life.  And I am supposed to automatically forgive and forget yet AI trouble with the forget part. Self-preservation tells me to remember when I have been treated wrong or bad.Especially after having been hustled so many times on the streets you remember so the same hustlle doesn't happen again.  I remember being able to shop Black Friday and put things in layaway for my family to have a super xmas. This year people will be lucky to receive one present from me , if they receive anything at all. Being poverty level sucks.I wish I could join in the madness of shopping tomorrow, yet I have to stay humbel and grateful for what I do have. I need to take sure I 'm taken care of first, cause noone else is gonna take care of me.  I've exhausted all options in that area.I know I'm whining and complaining but I can't really express these feelings to anyone else and I need to let them out so here I type.  Thanksgiving is a grateful day and I do have much to be grateful for but I want more. Is that so awful? Isn't that human nature?